A mama's heart

One of the riskiest things I ever did in my life, I did purposefully and repeatedly, 5 times in fact. That was to choose to have a child. I think it can be said that to choose to be a mother is to choose to wear your heart forever more outside your chest, open, soft, unprotected, and vulnerable.

Don't get me wrong. I'd choose it again and again. But it seems that as moms, we women have offered to bear the most intense heartaches imaginable. Not only our own bumps and bruises from life, but now also the magnified injustices and aches of our precious children. From the moment I cringed in horror as the doctor cut through Aaron's umbilical cord, I have felt each and every real and imagined hurt that my children experienced. I wanted to hold tight and never let go of each of my babies. I would have gladly taken on their owies and boo-boos and earaches and tummy aches and colds and sore throats and scrapes and scraps with their friends. And as they grew I prayed they'd be spared all emotional hurts. But that's not how life goes. And I've of course had to allow each of them to forge their own paths and feel their own pain.

When I was younger, I thought that once the kids were grown, my job would be done and I could tuck my heart back inside. Not so. I still ache deeply when one of them is hurting or struggling in some way. I still get on my knees every night and pray for God's hedge of protection around them. The up-side of my never ending vulnerability is that this swollen and exposed heart is also able to feel abundant and amazing love and pride.

Aaron was notified today that he has been chosen to handle a very important new client at SDCR. His unfailing attention to detail in pleasing the Cosi stores has been recognized and appreciated.

Charles, who at the tender age of 13 taught himself calculus, has again triumphed in "doing it myself". After months of self imposed discipline and training, he finished a full marathon Sunday in Napa showing remarkable perseverance in spite of severe knee pain.

Nicholas didn't do anything particularly noteworthy this week that I'm aware of. He continues to show me what a wonderful Papa he is to my precious grandchildren by working hard to support his family (and country) and by his selfless love for his wife.

Stephanie who has been supporting herself through college announced to me yesterday that she will graduate magna cum laude with a 3.9 grade point average. That's mighty laudable, too.

Cara got back up on her feet after the latest struggle with seizures and she's out in the world again doing what I was once told she'd never be able to do.

So there it is. My heart still vulnerably beating outside my chest, but grown, oh so big, through the privilege of being a mom.

Surprise-My kids have surpassed me in blogging now. It's been a long couple weeks since I've added an entry. We're still cold here in NM. I found some daffodils at the Whole Foods and bought a couple bunches to brighten up my winter mood. It worked. A little dash of sunshiny yellow in the front room gives me hope that spring is right around the corner.

I cooked up a big pot of green chili chicken noodle soup today and brought it down to the Ronald McDonald House. I had baked a lasagna and brought it also; then while I was there I baked up some biscuits to go with the soup. I got to talk to a couple of the families staying there. Both had newborn babies in the NICU. They're waiting for their precious babies to grow some so they can take them home. Meanwhile, the families stay at the RMH as they live in the far corners of the state. Having some homemade food is a real treat and nice break from the nasty hospital food. I signed on for Easter dinner, too. I'll see if I can recruit some friends to join me there. I still remember how much I appreciated my 2 week stay in RMH in Cleveland, Ohio 13 years ago. I'm grateful I have the time and energy to help other moms out now.

We are very happy that Cara's video-eeg study, as grueling as it was, revealed some surprising and valuable information that the doctors can use to better treat her. The REM sleep disorder is very fascinating. Easily treated with the right medication; she should find improvement in daytime energy level and hopefully in seizure reduction. Cara's seizure neurologist is referring us to the sleep neurologist at the University Hospital.

My childbirth classes are going well. I continue to enjoy my time there. And I continue to be amazed at God's sense of humor with me. My lifelong dislike for teenagers, my neurotic need for order, my many biases and prejudices are all now being challenged in this work. And I'm grateful for that. I love that I'm still flexible and teachable!

For anyone out there interested,( Jen?, Aaron?), the Ricki Lake documentary, "The Business of Being Born" is now available on Netflix, either on DVD or downloadable off the site. A must see. Spread the word. We've got to get young women to see the truth of birthing and reclaim the process. Where are the women libbers now when we need to assert our right to have our babies our way????

Kids, don't just read and leave. Give me feedback or encouragement on my ramblings.

Care Net- Empowering Women

Having spent the last 9 hours in an intense workshop for new volunteers, I need to write my feelings and thoughts about my involvement with Care Net Pregnancy Center. (CNPC) I have been teaching birthing classes at the central CNPC office for the past 6 weeks. I had signed on at CNPC with my pre-conceived (no pun intended) notions as to its mission and tactics. I now know that I was wrong in my thinking that Care Net was simply a pro-life, anti-abortion clinic that would in my mind be justified in using whatever tactics it needed to promote life. But I stand corrected. I learned today that this ministry really asks us to first and foremost demonstrate the love of Jesus to all who come through the door. And His perfect love is all about grace and mercy, kindness, patience, and tenderness, and allows for no judgment or condemnation on our part.
 
 God has planted me in this organization so that I could again be humbled in awesome gratitude for all the grace and mercy extended to me by my Father. How easy it has become for me to forget that I was once in crisis, unmarried and pregnant. I am no different than any of these young women who come through the doors of the clinic now.
 
 Care Net strives to empower women to make good decisions for their lives and the lives of their babies and believes that they will make better decisions after receiving full and accurate information on all their options. We do not pressure these women, manipulate their emotions, show gory pictures, lead them toward the decision we think best, scold, chastise, or judge them for past or future decisions. CNPC provides support for any decision they make, be it to continue the pregnancy, parent the child, make adoption plans, or abort. We pray for life for the baby and salvation for the moms. But what we were taught today is that these outcomes are the fruit of our tending to women's immediate need for love, understanding, acceptance, and access to resources for support with their pregnancies.
 
 I will labor on (again not pun intended) in this ministry, now with the express intent of sharing God's love, mercy, and grace to each and every one of my clients. My struggle is in righteousness, and I'll have to ask continually for a spirit of humbleness as I do this work. God has placed within me a burning passion to empower women in labor and birth. I know He wants to use me for Kingdom business.

My 7 Random Things

Oh, goody, I'm going to try adding click-links to my postings. Niece Jen has kindly instructed me in the process. She also tagged me for the 7 Random Things About Me chain letter. So I'll give it a shot and practice the linking while revealing some never before published tidbits.
1. I've walked on the Great Wall of China.
2. I worked swing shift at Ball Glass Manufacturer summer before college. I was on the line spotting faulty jars or bottles. Picture that I love Lucy episode in which Lucy and Ethyl worked on the candy factory line. That was me trying to keep up with the conveyor belt. Couldn't look away for a moment. Tough job but it paid exceptionally well.
3. I rocked out at a Doors' concert while in high school. It was January 19, 1968 in West Covina, California at Theater in the Round. (This line gets me double points for 2 links.)
4. I love peanut butter and bacon sandwiches on whole wheat. Gotta be crunchy peanut butter and crisp bacon.
5. I was a cheerleader for my senior class while at St. Lucy's Priory. Our colors were burgundy and pink.
6. I was at one time, in my wild and crazy youth, a registered Democrat!
7. I like the smell of skunk.

There it is. That was really difficult for me. Maybe I'll sleep on it and come back to edit my list tomorrow.

Winter Music

Ah, today I had the privilege of attending a 2 hour class titled "Winter Music". The course was offered through Oasis, a national organization for the chronologically gifted folks. This class presented a broad palate of richly evocative, cold and icy music including the majestic sounds of Vaughan Williams' "Antarctic Symphony", one of Arnold Bax's piano symphonies, "Winter Legends", a Chinese composer, Zheng's aural interpretation on the zither, Gustof Hulst's "A Winter Idyll" which was heavily influenced by Wagner, Tchaikovsky's "Symphony 1- Winter", Vivaldi's "Winter", and a Portugese symphonic-heavy metal tribute to Vivaldi's piece entitled "Winterfall". This was actually very interesting. The group is cleverly named SymphOnyx.
We listened to contemporary composer John Rutier's choral masterpiece "When icicles Hang", "Winter Weather" with Peggy Lee and Benny Goodman, Jethro Tull's "Winter Landscape", a celtic interpretation on the bagpipes, and Simon and Garfunkel's "A Hazy Shade of Winter." A 20th century composer, Benjamin Briton presented a beautiful piece sung by a boys' choir, "In Freezing Winter Night", in which he utilized 16th century lyrics set in the Gregorian scale. The instructor was well versed and witty. I don't know if there are any readers of my blog left reading at this point; probably only Charles is interested enough in music to actually read my enthusiastic ramblings. I thoroughly enjoyed this class and look forward to participating in more of this instructor's offerings.

OK! Let's rock out on Guitar Hero 3.

Who'd have known? Yesterday I thought Play Stations were toys for little boys. Today...I swear it was Santana who made me do this. "Black Magic Woman" apparently resonates deep within me. I was so totally engrossed in rockin' out, I didn't know Steph was capturing the moment. So now you know where I am if you call and I don't answer or if I don't show up when expected. The laundry is unwashed, the fridge is empty, the house is a mess 'cause I'm really busy... Bottom line. No matter how I might have to act my age most of the time, seems I haven't lost that 18 year old trippin', groovy,rock and rolling hippie chick inside of me. And yes, now my old hands, and fingers hurt from my jamming session with the guitar. My hips hurt, too, from all the gettin' down action. But the fun was well worth it.

Caught me!